Marty and I had talked about getting away for the weekend, without the kids, just for fun. We try to do this at least 4 times a year, but sometimes monthly. We haven't done it since November. We were feeling long overdue. Looking at the calendar, we determined that stake conference weekend was the window we needed. We hated missing stake conference, but also knew without primary obligations, it was the perfect break. There wasn't another foreseeable weekend on the horizon, so we made the break this past weekend.
As I was finishing up work on Friday, I got a frantic call from Addyson. The Grand Am had stopped in the middle of a very busy intersection in Bentonville and wouldn't start. I reassured her that someone would stop and help her push it out of the way and I would be right there (20 minutes away). I headed out and called the tow truck for the second time this week. Her car wouldn't start Monday at the school. That morning it had all kinds of lights on the dash on, check engine, ABS, battery light, etc. I had planned on having it serviced this week anyway. When we got it to the mechanic, he said it was only a dead battery and the warning lights was due to no power getting to the systems. He changed the battery and everything seemed good until Friday. All the lights came on again on her way home and then it died. I haven't checked with Manny yet to see what the new diagnosis is. We really do trust Manny, just think he missed something.
I am disappointed with the people of Bentonville. I had reassured Addyson that someone would help her push the car out of the way. Not a single person stopped. To make matters worse they were repeatedly honked at. People drove up on the curb to get around them. How rude! Jessica pulled out her muscles and pushed the car while Addyson steered. I understand not stopping to help, but I will NEVER understand honking at them.
With the Grand Am broken, Marty and I seriously contemplated if we should leave the girls. We had planned on taking the van. I had taught Addyson to drive the Miata and Jess would have the Grand Am. We discussed our new options. We couldn't leave the Miata with three girls at home. Jess can't drive the Miata. Addyson and Jessica had plans in different places this weekend. Marty amazingly enough came up with the plan. It was going to take a little cooperation on the girl's parts, but it would work. We took the Miata this weekend and the girls played chauffeur for each other while sharing a car.
As we were leaving town, Marty asked me if I was sure we should be leaving the girls under the circumstances. I reassured him the girls would be fine. We had a plan that would allow them to do all that they had planned to do while sharing the van. I then broke down. I hadn't told Marty how broken I had been feeling. I haven't really told anyone. I was exhausted! I was broken. I didn't feel as though I had anything else to give to anyone. My well was dry. I NEEDED this escape. I broke down in tears while driving to Tulsa as I shared some of my anxieties with Marty. Marty has always been my confidant and I hadn't felt like I could share with him what I was going through as he is going through so much more than me. However, at this point, I had hit bottom. I was done!
In my life I have 110% to everything I do. At this point I wasn't sure I was even giving 50%. Work was suffering. Primary was suffering. Home was suffering. I was suffering. I allowed myself to get easily frustrated. I would lose my temper over really stupid things. I never felt like I could be in control of anything. I felt like I was in a whirlwind that I couldn't control. I was doing just enough each day to stay afloat, and I wasn't sure I had enough in me to keep going. I was trying to make some pretty major decisions about what needed to change. Did I need to give things up? Did I need to lower my standards further? Did I need a major lifestyle change? I really wasn't sure, but I did know that I was exhausted! I needed a break from reality where I had no responsibility for a weekend. I needed to clear my head. I needed to be able to put a new plan in place.
This weekend was exactly what I needed.
We ate dinner pretty late Friday night. We didn't get to Tulsa until nearly 8. We stopped at Macaroni Grill. I told Marty they had the best bread. He asked if he could put honey on it. I told him it wasn't a sweet bread, but I thought he would still like it. I was right, he did. For dessert, I encouraged him to order Tiramisu, an old favorite. It is not a new favorite.
Saturday we lounged in bed until nearly noon!! WOW! I didn't think it was possible to be that lazy! When we finally got our rear ends moving, we headed to the aquarium. Marty was amazed by the different beautiful and ugly creatures. I intended on taking lots of pictures this weekend, but this is the only one I actually took.
Marty touched the stingrays, starfish, sea urchin, and shrimp. He really enjoyed himself. It didn't take us as long as we had thought that it would. Marty was disappointed by that, but didn't want to go around again. From there we headed out to go to the mall. Marty loves to watch people. The mall is the place in Tulsa to do that. The weather was lovely so we put down the top on the Miata and soaked up the sun on the way there. We walked the mall for a few hours and then headed back to the hotel for a pre-dinner nap!
We ate dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. Marty was overwhelmed by the number of choices. I had decided that I wanted the herb crusted Salmon. Marty was debating between fish tacos and the salmon/shrimp combo. I ordered the salmon/shrimp combo and Marty ordered fish tacos. We could share. Prior to Marty's stroke, he hated seafood. Now, he loves it! He says that the salmon is the best thing he's ever tasted. Yahoo! Salmon is one of my favs and now we can add it to the menu. Marty couldn't decide between all the cheesecake choices, so he ordered two. He ended up liking the one that I wouldn't have guessed. I think his taste has done a complete 180. If he used to like something before, he doesn't now. The opposite also seems true.
We also went to see the movie Good Deeds. It's been forever since I've been to the movies. I decided I really do enjoy going to the movie. Marty however, does not. He couldn't follow the movie. He kept getting lost and confused. This story was about a man who always did what others wanted him to do instead of following his own dreams. In the end, he changed and followed his dream.
This had me thinking. Am I doing what others want me to do, or am I doing what I want to do? Is work my choice? Is family my choice? Is primary my choice? I can honestly say that they are. It's amazing to me how clearing my head for 2 days made my whole vision much clearer. I feel like I am ready to carry on. I am ready to not just endure, but to enjoy. I feel I can give more to work. I can give more to home. I can give more to primary.
I know that we will never be the way we were before, though a girl can dream. I know that life will always be different. I don't think Marty will ever fully recover his memory. I know he will learn to do new tasks that he did before. I don't believe he will ever recall our wedding, children's births, vacations, and other life events. However, I am very excited to build new memories. I am very excited for what the future holds. I have the desire & energy to carry on in all aspects of my life. I now have hope. I was broken, but now I am on my way to recovery and feeling like taking on the world again . . . one small step at a time.
