It is always amazing the things that can humble you.  Through this experience I have become very humbled.  I have learned a lot about myself, a lot about Marty and a lot about the Lord. 

***Edit:  This post has many emotional statements that on hind sight are not accurate.  Please refer to this post: http://martydeanneandgirls.blogspot.com/2012/02/humbling-miracles.html *** 

We met with a different doctor today.  We have a new diagnosis.  We know there is nothing physical wrong with Marty's brain that is causing the memory loss, right side weakness and inability to speak (aphasia).  What his doctors believe he has is called Conversion disorder.  There's great information about this disorder at the Mayo Clinic here:

His doctor made it very clear that Marty can't choose to have his brain act the way it is.  He can't will it better.  He can't decide to make it go away.  He has no control.  Marty's brain has essentially shut down due to stress.  My body creates boils, Marty's brain shuts down. 

Somehow having a diagnosis makes this all a little easier.  I have racked my brain as to what may have sparked this.  Marty has been stressed ever since he started teaching seminary.  This stress caused major ulcers.  The stress didn't get any better when we moved to Bella Vista.  Change has always been hard for him.  I don't know if it was the move, a recent change in my job, a recent change in his medication, or having the girls home for Christmas break.  Perhaps it was the nail-biter BYU game he watched hours before the onset.  Some of the things I've read said that the trigger could have actually happened years ago and just manifest itself now.  Who knows.  It really doesn't matter. 

So, where do we go from here?  Treatment is exactly the same.  Speech therapy will continue.  We will continue working on his fine motor skills and coordination.  We will continue to teach him the things he doesn't remember.  There's a chance that one day he could wake up and suddenly his brain is fully engaged.  His doctor doesn't think that will happen and we aren't holding our breath.  But hey, a girl can dream can't she?

His doctor prescribed a mood stabilizer to help him not be so angry.  The medication is a slow building medicine.  For two weeks he will take 25mg, then up it to 50mg for two more weeks before leveling off at 100mg.  The effects won't be seen until he gets to the 100mg in a month or so.  His doctor feels that he will be much more apt to talk freely and have his brain fully engage once he gets his anger and stress under control.  So, we will be doing more things to reduce stress. Daily walks will be mandatory. More time in the perspective room. Calmer music.  I think you get the idea.

We again can't thank everyone for their continued thoughts, prayers, kindness and concern.  I am blown away by the love that has been shown to our family.  I now know how to love others more fully because I have been on the opposite end.  May God bless each of you!

Yesterday started off as a pretty great day.  Marty got up, was feeling pretty good.  Went for a walk to the end of the street and back.  He only took one nap in the morning.  He was feeling strong and was in pretty great spirits.

•  Are you telling me that as bad as a __________  __________ this is I am choosing to live this way? 
• Why would I DO THAT!!
•  NO! NO! NO! NO! 
• There is No way that my brain would choose this!  No Way! 
• It does not work that way.  You can not turn on or off your brain. 
• I am not mad at you, I just don't understand.  and the more I think about it the more I don't understand and the more my head hurts.  What I do know is that I love you very much and give so much to me that I am sure you want what is best for me.  So I will Do whatever you want me to do.  You Da Boss :)
•  I would like VERY badly to be MAD at someone!  Can you tell me who fault it is? 
• Is it your fault?
•  I don't want to hurt myself or you or really any body.  I just would like VERY badly to put a face on this so I can be mad at someone.  There has to be someone to blame.  Stuff like this just doesn't happen.
•  Stuff just happens!  Is just a cop out answer.  Everything happens because of something that happened before.  Or because someone wanted it to happen.
•  Not just for a reason but because of the fact that other people or things have a say in our lives. 
• So if no one else has a say in it, it is my choice. 
• I understand how I could get as big as that friend of mine.  When I'm stressed I like to eat.  When I'm mad, I like to eat.  When I'm tired, I like to eat.  When I'm confused, I like to eat. 
• Why doesn't everyone just not stress, confuse, get me tired, or make me mad, and then I would be just normal :)
•  Have you never wanted to beat the crap out of someone who beat the crap out of you?
•  Than I must need something.  Because I don't want to hurt someone random person.  I want to beat the crap out of whom ever beat the crap out of me :)  Eye for an eye ya know.
•  Did my mom drink when I was a baby? NO
•  Did my dad beat me until I could not walk? NO
•  Did I do a lot of drugs in high school? NO
•  Did I fall out of the ugly tree and hit all the branches on the way down? NO
•  
•  Did I have a choice?  Did anyone ask me if I wanted a messed up brain? NO
•  Was I built this way?
•  So this is some kind of a cruel test?
•  Are you enjoying this?
•  Sorrow is loosing your $500 phone right after you buy it.  This is way past anything any person, wife, daughter, mom, dad, brother, sister, friend should have to go through.
•  Either your ship is super tight like unto a dish or this has not been as bad on you as I thought.
•  I really could care less about what I have been through.  I can take a great beat down to prove I will get back up.  But I can not take what it has done to you and the girls!  whatever I did to get this trial is my fault.  To bring you and the girls into it is cruel!
•  I'm sorry I don't think I believe that.  I'm afraid my ship is sinking.
•  I don't want to be held up.  I want to be out of the water!

So, how are we doing?  We are doing pretty darn great!  Words are finally starting to come, lots of them.  Marty never lost the words, there was just a wall between the words and his mouth.  The wall is starting to come down.

At therapy on Monday, Amy asked Marty if he could sing Happy Birthday.  It was very slow and he needed help with some of the words, but he was able to do it.  She asked if he could sing the alphabet song.  He did, SUPER fast, in Spanish.  Then he got mad.  It was easy in Spanish but he can't do it in English.  Then he asked Why?  He took Spanish for 3 years, he's been speaking English for 40.  Amy said she didn't know why.  There are certain tasks that we do without even thinking.  At some point in time, the Spanish alphabet was ingrained in Marty's head and at this point in time, that's what his brain chose to release, without effort.  WEIRD!

Marty's problem is with initiation.  He is very slow to get started with his words.  Once you get him started, the rest of the phrase, sentence, song, etc seems to flow much better.  Amy has Marty speak to a metronome.  This gives him something to focus on and helps him form a rhythm with his words.  Amy started a "game" with him.  She will say a word and Marty has to come up with a 3 or 4 words sentence using that word.  He can take as long as he needs to do it.  It is often painfully long to start the sentence, but then it comes out fine.  We taught Rylee how to play this game with her dad yesterday.  She loves it.

When Marty has something to say, but he can't get the words out, he gets very frustrated.  He wrings his hand, smacks his head, pulls at his arms or clinches his fists.  The more frustrated he gets, the harder it is for the words to come out.  Amy watched him do this over and over again.  She asked that when he gets to this point he stops, takes a deep breath and then tries again.  It's amazing how a deep breath can help the words come.

Roberta came to visit with us yesterday.  She brought her granddaughter Duffy with her.  Miss Duffy brought Marty a sand stress ball that he can use when he gets frustrated.  Very thoughtful of her.  Roberta had brought a list of categories with words under each category.  Marty was asked to say the words that fit in this category.  His reading is improving.  He can now read out loud single wards or small groupings of words.  I think we'll try some of the many books that have been loaned to us by our dear friends. 

There are a few things that Marty really, really wants to do.  Reading his scriptures and driving are right at the top of that list.  For now, the IPAD reads his scriptures to him.  What a blessing.  He is able to spend hours "reading" his scriptures.  He says he doesn't understand them yet, but he loves to listen to the words and try to remember. 

Driving is a totally different story.  I'm not sure when I will take him somewhere safe to drive.  However I know it's not any time soon.  His reaction time is just SUPER slow.  He used to have ninja like reflexes.  Now he realizes he needs to take action well after it's too late.  Until he can catch a ball, or remember to flip an egg over, I don't see him actually driving.  I suspect this will stress me more than teaching my girls to drive did.

Marty still has this amazing innocence.  So many new experiences.  Marty trusts everything that everyone tells him.  He is amazingly obedient.  He doesn't trust his own judgement, so he relies on the judgment of others.  As long as those around him are trustworthy, he'll be fine.  I think he could easily be duped by a stranger. 

I take for granted so much of life around me.  He is the first to notice birds at the bird feeder.  He smells everything and takes a moment to enjoy the smell.  He will stop when he hears the slightest of noises and wants to investigate.  He'll watch emergency or construction vehicles for a very long time.  Life for me is routine.  Life for Marty is new.  There is a lesson for all of us in this.  Enjoy every moment.

Finally I will close with a scripture from my studies this morning.  2 Nephi 9:20.  There is great comfort in this knowledge.

20 O how great the holiness of our God! For he knoweth all things, and there is not anything save he knows it.

We are exactly one month since our lives changed forever.  In some ways it seems to be an eternity ago, in other ways it's been a blink of an eye.  There have been many eternal lessons that I have learned through this journey.  When I was at the hospital with Marty, Bishop Jarvis gave both Marty and I a blessing.  I don't remember much from it, other than him promising me eternal lessons.  That has stuck in my head.  Eternity is a long time.  I'm a little stubborn and it would take a 2x4 for the Lord to teach me some things.  Eternal things may take a 4x4 post.

The first thing I have learned is the importance of journaling.  When I started my blog in 2008, that was my goal.  A journal of family events.  In 2008 I wrote 23 entries.  2009-37.  2010-25. 2011-13.  We are one month into 2012 and this is my 37th entry (plus some on a private blog).  I don't think I will be a daily blogger for the rest of the year, but I have learned the importance of writing in a journal.  President Kimball urged over and over again to keep a journal.  I grew up with him as the prophet of the church.  I remember hearing it, but it is one of those counsels I didn't follow:

1977: "A word about personal journals and records: We urge every person in the Church to keep a diary or a journal from youth up, all through his life."

1978: "I urge all of the people of this church to give serious attention to their family histories, to encourage their parents and grandparents to write their journals, and let no family go into eternity without having left their memoirs for their children, their grandchildren, and their posterity. This is a duty and a responsibility, and I urge every person to start the children out writing a personal history and journal."

1979: "Every person should keep a journal and every person can keep a journal. It should be an enlightening one and should bring great blessings and happiness to the families. If there is anyone here who isn’t doing so, will you repent today and change—change your life?"

These are eternal lessons.  Year after year, President Kimball gave the same message. I said I was a little stubborn.  I have found therapy in writing things down.  I pray that as my children get older, they too may gain comfort and understanding from them.

Another eternal lesson centers around music.  Music is a HUGE part of our family.  There isn't a single room in our home, including bathrooms that doesn't have the ability to play music.  We always have the radio, CD, Pandora, piano, trumpet, something playing.  Marty's progression changed the day Chamber choir came and sang.  If you missed it, check it out here.  Marty's speech therapist is wanting Marty to try to sing some things.  We started with the alphabet, happy birthday, and anything else Marty wanted to try to remember.  She said that often times people who can't speak, can sing, especially very familiar songs.  So here comes the eternal lessons:

1. You can learn things through music.  I love the primary songs we teach children.  They are able to learn their articles of faith, scriptures, gospel principles.  Once learned, they are stuck there.  A friend of mine has taught her 3 year old all of the articles of faith through song.  3 year old!!!  I don't have them all memorized perfectly, yet Toby does.
2. Be careful of your music choices.  You never know when that will be the only thing you'll be able to say.  To this point, I have only heard Marty sing 3 things.  The phrase, "Oh, Baby You, You got what I need", the ABC song, and all of "Happy Birthday"  However, I know that there is a lot more music stuck in Marty's head.  One day it will come pouring out.  I know that in our lifetimes we haven't always made good choices in music.  It could be interesting.

WOW!  No post for Friday, Saturday or Sunday.  What a weekend!  Marty, Addyson and I escaped for the weekend.  We had two objectives, 1.  tour Missouri State University and Springfield.  2.  RELAX!!!!  Mission accomplished.

We drove up fairly early on Friday.  Addyson was to have sat in on a rehearsal at 11:30.  However it was cancelled, so we had a few hours to kill before our 1:30 tour.  They gave us lunch passes and a map of campus and told us to just explore for a while.  We discovered pretty quickly that this is a small campus.  The bookstore isn't much larger than a 7-11.  They have apparel and gifts on the main floor and a small loft area with actual books.  It's absolutely NOTHING like BYU.  The cafeteria was nice with a lot of choices.  I loved that all nutritional information is posted next to each choice.  At least you can make educated choices if you want to.  After walking around for a little over an hour, Marty was spent.  I could see in his eyes he wasn't going to make it.  He kept motioning he was good, but everything else about him said he wasn't.  When we entered the student union building, I asked Marty if he'd like to sit and rest for a minute.  I found a small grouping of sofas and chairs next to a TV.  Marty sat down and nearly fell asleep.  I suggested he stay there while Addyson and I toured campus.  The campus tour was only to be an hour.

Addy and I left Marty to nap while we toured.  One member of our tour group was only interested in the dorms.  She wanted to see all dorm options.  They normally only show you one example of each style, but she wanted to see each building.  The dorm tour took over an hour.  I do have to admit it was nice to see all the different building amenities, but all the stairs were doing me in.  Once we got through touring dorms we toured the rest of campus.  All but 2 other students left at that point and we had a much more private tour.  Campus is super small, but beautiful. They don't have any of the auditoriums I am used to at BYU.  They showed us the largest classroom they have on campus.  It doesn't even seat 200.  Most classes are 20-30 student.  It is amazing to me that with 20,000 students it can feel like a junior college.  There is definitely a small campus feel and quite personal. 

It had been nearly 2 hours since we left Marty in the student union building.  He was hungry and thirsty.  Even though I had left him with a snack and a water bottle, it never dawned on him to eat it.  One of the first things he asked for when I got to him was a drink.  I showed him his water bottle that had been in his hand the entire time.  I felt aweful for leaving him there.  I thought I had him well equiped.  It was apparent to me at that point that he really can't be left alone for long or he really won't eat and drink.

Friday night Addyson met up with Darryl who sang in Chamber Choir with her last year and is now attending MSU.  They hung out at a local coffee shop, playing games and then headed back to the dorms.  She said the shop serves the best smoothie that she's ever had.  She enjoyed seeing what dorm life on a Friday night was like.  That was probably one of the best things she could have done.

Saturday was our day of relaxation and exploration.  Addyson took on a lot of the role of caregiver while I snuck off to the spa.  WOW did I need that.  I have got to find an affordable option in NWA for a monthly spa visit.  I left feeling totally relaxed and ready to take on the day. 

When I got back to the hotel I asked Addyson what she wanted to do for the day.  She didn't know so she started googling things to do.  She found a restaurant called Hemmingway's Blue Water Cafe.  I had never heard of it and thought we'd give it a try.  Silly me, it was in Bass Pro shop.  I spent 5 years working in Sporting Goods for Walmart, touring competition, but I had never been in a Bass pro before.  I guess there's a first time for everything.  The restaurant has a HUGE fish tank that takes up one entire wall.  The fish were absolutely beautiful.  When Marty looked at them, he said "Ugly".  I guess beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

After lunch we went to the mall.  It's a pretty large, nice mall.  I again could tell Marty was worn out.  I told Addyson I was going to sit with dad for a bit and she could head off.  She was on a mission to accessorize her prom dress.  Marty insisted that I go with her, he was just going to sit.  I agreed, but told him I'd come back and check on him every 30 minutes.  When we came back the first time, he wasn't there.  PANIC!  We then saw him, inside the store right by where we'd left him, Godiva!  He had gone in and bought Addyson and I chocolate covered strawberries.  The lady was making them right at the front door of the shop and he could smell them.  He thought we needed them.

He said he'd had enough of a rest and was ready to walk with us.  We walked the mall a few more times before heading back to the hotel.  We took the opportunity to swim.  By swim, I mean sit in the hot tub.  Our hotel had an indoor/outdoor pool, meaning half the pool was inside, half the pool was outside and you could swim between the two by going under the window.  I was happy to just stay inside the hot tub.  So was Marty.  Addyson however had to do the swim.  Marty wouldn't try it.  On the way home yesterday was has so mad at himself for not swimming.  He said he was afraid.  I think we'll take him swimming one night this week.

Sunday, Addyson got up and went to church in the singles ward.  I recommended she walk in, find the cutest boy she could find and sit right next to him.  She said, "no way, I'm sitting in the back corner".  I asked her what her purpose for going to church was.  She said, "to be spiritually uplifted and partake of the sacrament".  How do I argue with that???  While she was at church, Marty and I were slackers and slept in.  Church is still really hard for Marty and a new ward would have been doubly hard.  He refused to even try.  I would have to say I was okay with that.  That gave me one more opportunity to nap. 

Overall, the weekend was a success, other than totally wearing out Marty.  After an hour of doing anything, he needed a break.  Springfield is beautiful.  The singles ward was very warm and inviting.  I got a lot of rest and relaxation.  Now, only 2 more weekends like this and I can take a Saturday at home to rest :)

       My Madre (mother) asked me, Rylee, to blog for her. But she asked  me to do it in my perspective of how things are. This may seem the same as my moms posts but bare with me.
       I'm glad he is getting better. He is always improving. It feels like he is not improving fast enough. I want him to get better right now. I want him to be able to tell me everything he has to say. His jokes are not as funny when there written down. I only hear his voice one to two times a day. That's not enough. But at the same  time I'm glad he is improving. I'm glad his stroke was only mild. I'm glad he is done with physical therapy. There are so many things i am grateful for. I'm grateful for having the blessings that the lord has given are family. I'm grateful for everyone that has helped. People have been so loving and caring to out family. I am very grateful for everyone who has helped are family.
          My mom working from home has been a little different but a lot of things have been different. Its been weird, but nice, coming home from school and my mom being there. I used to never see her till diner. Lots of things have changed but all in all my mom has tried to keep are life's the same. We do the same things we would have done before. Addy is still very involved in choir, I still take trumpet lessons, and Jessi still hangs out with her friends. Although a lot has changed, a lot as stayed the same too.
          I would again like to thank everyone that has helped our family. It has been nice to have so many friends that are there for us when we need them. Thank you to all. We really do appreciate it.