Marty has an immense desire to gain his independence.  He knows that there is a lot he doesn't know.  I would say that is progress.  Now, to teach him what he doesn't know :)

Yesterday I was making a boxed brownie mix.  I asked him if he wanted to come help.  At first he said no, then he said he wanted to come try on his own.  He carefully read every step.  If he missed a step, I would ask him to go back and re-read it.  In the end, we have brownies!

Marty also read my blog post here and was concerned with all the things that I had on my to do list.  He wanted to help me cross some of them off the list.  Over the past week we have made some awesome progress.  Here's the update:

1. take Marty to the doctor - different day, different appointments
2. get bids to pour a circle driveway
3. landscape the front of house
4. find/make a welcome post for the front door - In progress, I bought all the stuff
5. clean out freezer in garage
6. organize garage
7. get toilet paper out of attic
8. clean out my closet
9. clean my bathroom
10. install new fan in my bathroom
11. clean out closet in perspective room
12. call my sister (I totally missed her birthday)
13. organize kitchen cabinets
14. finish Christ picture in dining room - I need less rain so I can finish painting the frame
15. stain back deck
16. buy patio furniture - window shopped for it, can't find a set I like yet
17. finish my cross-stitch - like this will every happen, I've been working on it for 2 years.
18. vacuum rug in family room
19. key in all my seasonal strategies at work
20. call Todd to find carpet remnant for stairs
21. buy hammock chairs for lower deck
22. paint game room
23. organize craft closet
24. finish block letters
25. get bids to finish Jessica's bathroom
26. grocery shop - does this every come off the list?  I will grocery shop, just to come home and have the girls say, "mom, we are out of _________" for me to respond "why didn't you put it on the list"  There's always something to buy
27. replace all batteries in smoke detectors
28. wait, buy batteries for smoke detectors
29. plan sharing time for the rest of March - planned 1 of the 2 remaining Sundays.
30. have a GNO - went to relief society last night which just about counted.
31. finish my book from my mentor - haven't even picked it up - FAIL!
32. sleep - this is on my eternal to do list.  I do sleep every night, but always feel like I could use an additional 8-9 hours each night :(

See, Making GREAT progress on my list. Now I wish I could say that this list was comprehensive. This was just what was on my mind last week. I have mentally added several more things to the list, but will not really add them as I would be entirely too overwhelmed. I did have a dear friend tell me last night she has a plan to help me knock out a few more on this list. I nearly cried. I didn't add this list to the blog as a cry for help, really more for me to prioritize and understand what I'm trying to work through. It was very humbling to know that I have friends that want to help with these.

I had another friend send me a package as a reminder that I am never alone.  I  know I’ve said it before, but I am really grateful for the AWESOME friends and sisters in Christ that I am surrounded by.   It has helped strengthen my testimony in the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  One of our baptism covenants is to ease one another’s burdens.  I have experienced this first hand and will be eternally grateful.

Sometimes the obvious is so hard to see.  Sometimes we choose to not see it.  Sometimes we choose to ignore it.  Sometimes we deny the truth.  I have been in denial and yesterday, I faced the truth.

In a discussion with Marty yesterday it became painfully obvious that another major side effect of his stroke is memory loss.  I've mentioned it before, but yesterday I got a much better grasp on what that means.  Just a few of the things that Marty has lost.

1. Memory of life events - all of them.  His childhood, our marriage, the birth of our daughters, his work history, my work history, vacations, marathons. . .all these he has no recollection of at all.
2. Connection with people - he has no memory of events so he feels no connection to people.  He will often act as though he knows who someone is that he really doesn't.  Sometimes he will have a very fractured memory of the person which only confuses him more. 
3. Knowledge of gospel truths - Marty feels an immense connection with the Lord, but has no remembrance of his 40 year study of the teachings of Christ.  He now spends hours trying to re-learn. 
4. Financial planning - he did all our retirement planning and now doesn't remember what he's done or what would make financial sense to do.  For years he would study the different investment options and understood the pros and cons of each.

Until yesterday, I didn't realize how much wasn't there and how much would probably not come back.  Some things can be re-learned, some things are lost forever.  I would estimate that Marty has remembered less than 1% of his life.  He remembers random, fractured things, but then can't put them together.  It's like his memory is a billion piece puzzle.  We get so excited when he is able to remember one of the pieces, but forget that without the other 999,999,999 pieces, that one piece makes no sense to him.  That one piece makes sense to us, because we have the other pieces.

Marty is angry at the loss.  He is saddened by the loss.  It is hard for me to comprehend what it must be like.  It's easy for me to say let's forge new memories and look forward to the future.  However, I would be immensely angry if I lost everything that I knew to be true.

I know that strokes effect different people different ways.  I am grateful that Marty has full use of his body.  I am grateful he didn't loose his sight.  I am grateful he is learning to talk so well.  I am saddened by his loss of memory but excited to forge new memories with him.

During our discussion last night, I read the following hymn to Marty.  I think I needed it way more than he did.  To me, there is comfort in this.  Now to find where there is comfort for Marty.

When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.
Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will keep singing as the days go by.
So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be disheartened, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

When life gets tough . . . make brownies.

I need to make this to keep around. . . Darn - one more thing on the to do list.

    6      cups          flour
    4      teaspoons     baking powder
    4      teaspoons     salt
    8      cups          sugar
    8      oz            unsweetened cocoa
    2      cups          vegetable shortening

Mix dry ingredients well, cut in shortening until evenly distributed (I used
my mixer). Put in airtight container, store in cool dry place. Use within
10-12 weeks.  Makes 17 cups of mix.

Brownies from the Make A Mix Brownie Mix

 2 eggs beaten
1 tsp vanilla
2-1/2 cups brownie mix
1/2 cup chopped nuts

Preheat oven to 350, prepare 8 inch square pan. Mix everything together and
dump in pan. Bake 30-35 minutes. Double the batch for a 9 by 12 pan.

  Short post about a stressful day yesterday!

1. lost my phone - didn't realize it until I was at work
2. emailed Marty to tell him I didn't have my phone so email me if he needed anything
3. Called Marty from my work phone to tell him I was on my way home - upset him because he thought I couldn't be reached via phone - we had never talked about my work phone
4. came home to find Marty very concerned that he couldn't get a hold of me during the day and he couldn't figure out how to re-call my work number
5. found my phone - in my church bag
6. allowed myself to become stressed over a discussion at work
7. Addyson's car broke down at the high school.  I fear it has finally given up the ghost.  We've owned the car for 10 year (bought it used) and have put nearly 200K miles on it.  We had it towed to our trusty mechanic Manny.  We'll see what he says today
8. spent the evening researching cars.  we had thought we would buy one car with our bonus money next week but perhaps now we will be buying two.
9. couldn't fall asleep because I was completely stressed out

Let's hope that today brings less stress and enjoyment in life.  I love President Hinckley's quote, "Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured".  Let the enjoyment begin (or continue depending on my mood).

This weekend I got to spend some awesome time with my husband.  It was a time to reflect back on the last nine weeks.  I think our server at dinner last night must have thought there was something seriously wrong.  At some point in dinner one or both of us were in tears.

We discussed that Marty isn't the same person he was last year or for the last 40 years.  He has some of the same personality traits, but others have changed, mostly for the better.  This means that I and others that know him, must get to re-know him.

So, what are some of the major changes?

1. Food - during the stroke, Marty lost most of his sense of taste.  Textures are a bigger deal now.  There are also foods that are an acquired taste that he no longer has that taste.  Because he doesn't remember what foods he does and doesn't like, he's willing to try everything (that's a change).  We have discovered that some of Marty's favorite foods are no longer his favorite, pie, cobbler, breakfast, spinach, pizza, burgers, just to name a few.  We have also found some new things he likes, Slurpee's & sweet potatoes for example.  It can be fun, yet challenging to plan meals around what we believe Marty will like, to discover he doesn't really like them.  It has been great having people bring in meals a few days a week as we get to try things that aren't part of our normal rotation and have become favorites of his.  Mashed potatoes, meatloaf, chicken pot pie . . . . really too many to list.
2. Opinions - In our relationship, I have generally been the opinionated one (okay, in life in general I am the opinionated one) and Marty has been passive.  Marty now has an opinion about everything.  It still catches me off guard from time to time.  I am finding that he is often right and I have not thought about it the same way he does.  I am thankful that whatever filter prevented him from sharing his opinions before has been lifted and we are able to make more collaborative decisions and have more lively discussions.
3. Driving - Marty used to love to drive and loved to take long road trips.  Now, the thought of driving to the store is difficult.  Driving in a city is simply not possible at this point.  Marty is not able to reason through tasks needed to drive, nor does he trust the actions of other vehicles around him.  I carefully plan the routes that I take based on the time of day and try to travel with him on the roads with less traffic when we must go out as to ease this strain on him.
4. Concern for self - Historically Marty has been focused on others.  He is still very focused on serving others but also has a realization that he must take care of himself.  I love this.  This past week he read that there are 4 things that if not recovered in the first 90 days after a stroke will probably never return.  These are strength, speech, problem solving, reaction time.  Marty's strength has fully returned.  His reaction time and speech are returning but not anywhere near complete and his problem solving is the most lacking.  Marty had the realization that he is only 4 weeks from the 90 day mark.  Panic set in.  We held a family council where he asked us to help him regain these skills.  We have a family plan and will be working very hard the next few weeks.

There are many more changes, some too personal to put on a public blog.  This was a life changing event for everyone.  Especially for Marty.  My heart aches for him.  He said last night that he has adult trials with a child's understanding.  I pray that as his understanding increases, his trials will decrease and the reversal will be true.  Adult understanding with a child's trials.  That would be a blessing.