Sometimes the obvious is so hard to see.  Sometimes we choose to not see it.  Sometimes we choose to ignore it.  Sometimes we deny the truth.  I have been in denial and yesterday, I faced the truth.

In a discussion with Marty yesterday it became painfully obvious that another major side effect of his stroke is memory loss.  I've mentioned it before, but yesterday I got a much better grasp on what that means.  Just a few of the things that Marty has lost.

1. Memory of life events - all of them.  His childhood, our marriage, the birth of our daughters, his work history, my work history, vacations, marathons. . .all these he has no recollection of at all.
2. Connection with people - he has no memory of events so he feels no connection to people.  He will often act as though he knows who someone is that he really doesn't.  Sometimes he will have a very fractured memory of the person which only confuses him more. 
3. Knowledge of gospel truths - Marty feels an immense connection with the Lord, but has no remembrance of his 40 year study of the teachings of Christ.  He now spends hours trying to re-learn. 
4. Financial planning - he did all our retirement planning and now doesn't remember what he's done or what would make financial sense to do.  For years he would study the different investment options and understood the pros and cons of each.

Until yesterday, I didn't realize how much wasn't there and how much would probably not come back.  Some things can be re-learned, some things are lost forever.  I would estimate that Marty has remembered less than 1% of his life.  He remembers random, fractured things, but then can't put them together.  It's like his memory is a billion piece puzzle.  We get so excited when he is able to remember one of the pieces, but forget that without the other 999,999,999 pieces, that one piece makes no sense to him.  That one piece makes sense to us, because we have the other pieces.

Marty is angry at the loss.  He is saddened by the loss.  It is hard for me to comprehend what it must be like.  It's easy for me to say let's forge new memories and look forward to the future.  However, I would be immensely angry if I lost everything that I knew to be true.

I know that strokes effect different people different ways.  I am grateful that Marty has full use of his body.  I am grateful he didn't loose his sight.  I am grateful he is learning to talk so well.  I am saddened by his loss of memory but excited to forge new memories with him.

During our discussion last night, I read the following hymn to Marty.  I think I needed it way more than he did.  To me, there is comfort in this.  Now to find where there is comfort for Marty.

When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.
Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will keep singing as the days go by.
So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be disheartened, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.