After the last few days we've had, I'm very grateful today was a good day. I have a feeling that's the way it's going to be for a while. We'll have our days of ups and our days of downs. I think some days we'll even do a loop-de-loop or two. I just hope in the end we don't all puke!
Too tired tonight for the details. Stay tuned when my brain is fresh in the morning.
OK - so the post I made last night wasn't quite fair. If you missed it, you can read it here. I was tired, exhausted and didn't really want to get into all the gory details of yesterday. I wanted to capture all that had happened, but just couldn't relive it at that point. Marty wrote 12 pages yesterday. The day before none. Yesterday was his day of venting.
I got up this morning and typed out the blog on my private blog. After a good night's sleep, I have decided there are things I can share publicly that happened yesterday. Please don't judge him or our family by the things that he says. The emotions that are running through him right now are so different than what I am used to.
Marty is normally a very laid back, easy going, soft spoken man. He is full of love and service. The frustration he is feeling by not being able to do everything he is wanting is starting to come out. I believe this will be a great step in his recovery. He will dig in deep and find the motivation to keep carrying on.
Okay - now some excerpts from Marty's writings yesterday:
Let's just say today was hard. This will probably be the shortest blog post on here. I have a private blog that will get all the details, but it wasn't pretty so we won't put it out there for the public to see.
There are 5 steps to grieving. Marty and I are both grieving the loss of our past lives. These steps are:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
I definitely started in phase 1. Not sure if Marty ever got that far. We are now rapidly cycling through 2-4. We have definitely not moved on to phase 5. I keep trying to accept, but quickly get pulled back into the other three cycles.
I don't put this out there for a pity party on the Christoffersen home. I do this because it's how we feel. I will spare you all the details of the day, but just know it was a hard, hard day.
***WARNING*** This post does contain one mild profane word.
Yesterday was primarily a day of silence for Marty. He just seemed off kilter all day. He didn't write anything to me. He didn't say anything to me all day. He played games, watched video clips and scrolled through pictures on his IPAD. He tidied the perspective room and napped. At one point I saw him writing a long list. I asked what he was writing. He showed me the top of the list "Things I want to do". There are over 2 pages, but he won't share them with me yet. I can sense his immense frustration.
He had an appointment with the speech therapist at Mercy at 5:30 yesterday. As I was winding down with work, I asked him if he had been practicing his word lists Roberta gave him. I told him he could show off to Ann at Mercy. He sheepishly admitted to not practicing and grudgingly went through the list.
Speech therapy consisted of word association. She would say a word such as bat and Marty was asked to think of a word such as ball. It took Marty quite a while to first think of a word, and then remember how to say it. However, he was able to do all of them (about 10 or so). However when she said thunder, he stopped for the longest time. He thought and thought and thought. He couldn't get the word to come. He finally nearly shouted "rain". Ann and I couldn't help but to laugh. It was obvious by his body language and facial expressions that that is not what he wanted to say and he was not pleased with the word he had chosen.
Ann then moved on to brand association. She gave Marty a brand and asked for the product associated with each brand. Again, it was laborious for him to complete, but he was able to do all but two. He really had no idea what Bayer was associated with. When she said Energizer Marty struggled and finally said "bunny". Ann said, "I knew you were going to say that". Bunny is an easier word for Marty to say. She pushed him to continue to say the product. All Marty could get out was "bat". She asked if she could help. She repeated one syllable at a time until he was able to say each one individually and then he was able to put them together to say "battery".
She noticed Marty has the hardest time with words that start with his lips closed such as b, d, p, m. She got out a metronome and had Marty repeat words after her to the rhythm. She told him he could wait as many counts as he needed to get the word started, but once he started the word, she wanted it on the rhythm. It was a very slow process sometimes waiting 12 or more counts before starting each word, but he was able to do it.
At the end of the 30 minute session, Marty looked beat. He was frustrated with the process. He was frustrated with himself and was just plain wore out.
On the way to the car, I asked Marty what word he had wanted to say with thunder. He shrugged his shoulders. I asked if he wanted me to tell him the word. He shook his head no and motioned he could do it. He then thought and thought. He finally said , "SH*T". I asked if that was the word that goes with thunder. He motioned no, but motioned that was all he could think. Oh the frustration.
We had planned on going to Walmart after therapy. Marty was so wore out, I told him I was taking him home. He motioned he wanted to go to Walmart, so off we went. On the way, Marty motioned he wanted a drink. I started to exit the highway to go to Kum&Go but Marty motioned to keep going. I told him I didn't know of another place for a drink. He motioned that was the wrong kind of drink. He was looking for something a little stronger :) Oh dear, I think this whole experience may drive us both to drink :). That's saying a lot since neither one of us drink, nor really have the desire to drink.
We had a nice leisurely stroll through Walmart doing our weekly shopping. (Bought three dozen eggs so I can cook the brownies I was craving yesterday!)
When we got home, Marty was instantly frustrated again. The girls hadn't cleaned up after dinner. It is not like Marty to get frustrated over things like that. I had started the dishwasher after lunch but we didn't empty it before dinner. When we got home all the dinner dishes were piled in the sink and on the counter and the dishwasher was running again. No one would admit they re-started the dishwasher, or why they had restarted the dishwasher. Not sure why Marty was frustrated with this, but he was visibly upset with the state of the kitchen.
Marty and the girls headed off to bed, while I cleaned the kitchen. There's therapy in cleaning. I love to see the quick progression from messy to tidy.
Marty did not sleep well last night. He's already frustrated this morning. I wish I knew how to ease his frustration. I can tell he wants things to be back to normal. I think normal is over-rated. I keep telling him we'll find a new normal. He doesn't want a new normal, he wants old normal. I pray the Lord will help ease his burden and lighten his load. We must endure to the end.
Yesterday was a transitional day. Granny and Grandad left for Utah, I started working from home and Marty became more insistent on talking. Marty only wrote 1 page of notes today. All the rest of his communication was either verbal or sign. That does pose a problem for my blogging though as his notes stood as reminders of the things which we had done for the day.
Technology is an amazing blessing in our lives. I was able to attend a divisional meeting yesterday via web conference. I don't feel like I missed out on a thing. That was my biggest fear working from home. The lapse in communication can be harmful to the business. However, because of the handy dandy cameras that are on most everyone's computers now, we can stay much more connected.
Toward the end of my video conference Roberta, our speech therapist friend showed up. (I must remember to mute my mic when company shows up. The whole meeting got a glimpse into their conversation as I answered a question for the Roberta :) ) Roberta is pushing Marty to say more and more as he has a desire to speak more and more. She started a notebook with him of the words he is to practice. Some new words: brother, sister, wife, friend. She also worked with him on a short sentence "Do we have plans?" He is supposed to ask me that every morning.
Because Roberta helped Marty form a full sentence, he now has more confidence that he can do that. Later in the day Marty asked me, "what can I do for you?" It took a long time and a lot of energy for him to get out those five words, but he was so pleased that he could. In our past lives, Marty did 100% of everything around the house. He was the caregiver of the four women in his life. He is not happy having us help him with everything. He really wants to help too.
Marty made dinner last night completely by himself. It actually started in the morning. It was a crock pot recipe that only required opening cans or packages of food and adding them to the crock pot. It took him about an hour to put it all together. I asked him if he remembered to turn it on to low. He answered yes and was so pleased. About 3 hours later, we discovered the crock pot wasn't plugged in. I had forgotten to ask him if it was plugged in. He was so hard on himself for not plugging it in. I assured him it was fine. It was as much my fault as it was his. I just asked him to turn it to high and it was just fine. Yummo dinner!
After the girls went to young women's, Marty wrote, "Are you too tired to make me a shake?" I suggested we go to Braum's instead. We hadn't been out of the house yet. We took the gift card my team got for me for Braum's and headed out. I have to admit it was nice to get out of the house. When we got to Braum's I encouraged Marty to order his own shake. He adamantly shook his head no. He just pointed at the flavor he wanted.
When we got home, Marty wrote down "I want to help you not stress so your sores will go away" (I currently have 5 boils I am nursing) "I watched some clips on how to give a good Back Rub to help with stress - would you like one before bed" In our past life, Marty would give me a hand, neck or back massage almost every night after work. I thought it was so sweet that he would remember that but not know how to do it. He used his IPAD, went to YouTube and watched videos to try to learn. Now, how can you turn down an offer like that? I have to admit, the back massage wasn't pre-stroke quality. However, the thoughtfulness more than made up for it.
A friend of ours recommended we read Alma 26:12-13
12 Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise his name forever.
Due to some technical difficulties, I couldn't blog last night. Me and computers are not friends sometimes. AURRGHHH!!
Yesterday was about Marty showing us how bad he wants to talk! He is so frustrated that he can't get what he wants out.
Marty had a doctor's appointment with Dr. Conover yesterday. I went to work for a few hours before hand. When Marty's parents dropped him off for his appointment I saw Marty was wearing a white shirt and slacks with a sweater. I told him he looked very nice. I asked him why he was so dressed up. He said, "Addy friend" When we got into the office Marty wrote
"Why are you dressed up
What I think - Addy's Chamber Choir is coming over tonight. I want to look good
What comes out - Addy friend"
I could see the frustration in his eyes. I assured him that it will come. What's important is he wants to learn, he wants to talk. He has a way to communicate and that's what's really important.
He then wrote, "I will give it another week or so then I am going to try the car Battery on my neck" Sometimes I wonder how much of his comments are jokes and how much seriousness there is in them. I couldn't help to laugh and then tell him it's going to be a long process. I showed him the paperwork that Dr. Conover had filled out for me to give to work. On the duration of Marty's condition he wrote 1-5 years. That was a little disheartening for me as well. I was expecting it to say 6 months to a year.
I don't know that I have the strength to do this for 5 years. I have hope that the Lord will give me strength. I have hope that we won't be at our current limitations for very long. I am seeing daily miracles. We are only 19 days post stroke. I know that most stroke patients would just be getting out of the hospital and would be undergoing intense therapy to re-learn the things Marty learned in the first 3-5 days. I know that we could be in significantly worse situation, but I still want it fixed NOW! Ok, enough of whoa is me!
Yesterday afternoon I worked to tie up all the loose ends that I could at work. Starting today I will be working full time from home until Marty is independent enough to stay home for a few hours by himself and then I will work part time at home and part time in the office before transitioning full time back to the office. While I am at home we will be moving offices so I had to pack up all my stuff and beg my teammates to move it for me. I really have an amazing new team at work. I also played around with the technology we have available to us. My work computer has a webcam on it. Most laptops at the office do. With this, I will be able to web conference in to meetings from home. I can talk face to face with my team. This should help me not feel completely disconnected and make my team feel that I haven't abandoned them.
Last night we had a special treat. Addyson is a member of Bentonville High School's Chamber Choir. They are an elite group of 32 amazingly talented young adults. They love to sing and we love them. One of the hardest things for Addyson through this is her dad's loss of memory of her ability to sing. She is so talented and LOVES choir. Terry Hicks, her choir director, agreed to have them sacrifice an evening with family and friends and do a school sponsored singout at our home. 30 of the 32 students came over last night. We moved furniture around to make room for them and we had a fantastic concert.
Music has always been important to Marty. He sings, he dances, he moves to the beat. We always have music playing in our home. I was nervous that having that many people in our home would be too much for him, but had hope that this may spur memories or help make connections.
The group started with "Thou Shalt Know Him"
After singing 3 more selections, Marty wrote "Is this the Group that Does Balm of Gilead" The group was excited to sing that one. It's one of their favorites, but not Addyson's so they weren't going to sing it until it was requested.
After Balm, there were few dry eyes in the room. The choir continued to sing a few more songs, ending with "Lord of the Dance"
As they ended, Marty sprung to his feet and practically yelled, "WOW!!!!" He then went around the room and gave all the girls hugs, repeating Thank You! Again, few dry eyes in the room. WOW is a new word for Marty. It just popped out! We sure love these "kids".
Addyson had made cookies for all of them. As they were enjoying their cookies Marty wrote, "I don't know what to say I am over whelmed with joy! This was Awesome" Yes indeed, this was awesome!
Everyday I witness miracles. Today was no different. Anyone who doesn't believe in miracles needs to come spend a day with Marty. We are only 17 days post stroke. After losing his ability to speak, use of his right hand and nearly all memory, he has been able to regain a lot of memories (some most everyone else had forgotten), relearn to do basic life skills, and relearn an ever expanding vocabulary. Today was one of those days that gave me hope and was a lot of fun to watch.
Marty started his day today with quite a fun surprise. He noticed the porch light was on and went to shut it off. He peaked out the window and saw this:
Oops, didn't blog yesterday either. That's two days in a row that I have had to catch up on the blog the next day. I can't make this a habit.
Yesterday was Sunday and really was a day of rest in our home. We very leisurely got ready for church (which doesn't start until 1) Prior to church, Marty didn't say anything all morning and only wrote one thing.
"I am worried about Dad. He does no feel well and is always tired. I think He needs to go Home. I am fine! The Girls will be Home Monday. They can help me clean and get stuff I need for Breakfast and Lunch. Maybe we could have friends Bring Us Dinner again for a little while untill I feel a little stronger. I will Be fine! We need to try to get Back to Something Normal. I Love Mom and Dad! And I am Grateful that they are here."
Marty's parents are planning on leaving on Wednesday morning. I don't think Marty knew that. He is very worried about his Dad's health. I talked to his mom. She assured me dad's fine. He hasn't been eating as well as he should here and that has caused some challenges for him. We have entirely too many sweets for a diabetic :)
Marty has learned to do a lot of things by himself. He now knows how to brush his teeth, shower, get dressed, eat, sort laundry, fold laundry, set the table, and a few other household chores. However, he doesn't remember to do them. If he doesn't have someone there to remind him to eat, or remind him to drink, he won't remember to do it. He often sits on the couch in a haze, looking very lost and confused. It's hard to tell what's going on in his head. Then other times he seems so clear like the letter he wrote about his dad. Everything he does still takes a long time to do. He wants to do more than he is capable of doing and that leads to a lot of frustration on his part.
We are putting plans in place for when they leave. My work is being very flexible and allowing me to work from home once they leave. I have created a menu of crock pot dishes that require no preparation at all. It's just measure and dump. Marty will be able to assemble these in the morning if I read the recipe to him. Recipes are still too complicated to read. He has started texting but it is slow and painful for him. He has to write down what he wants to say and then letter by letter transfer it to his phone. I am thinking that we may be able to find a better communication path on the IPAD. Once he can do this I suspect that within a couple weeks he will be very self sufficient at home and will allow me to be able to go back to working in the office. He has an immense desire to be self-sufficient. He's very frustrated that he just can't do some things. The things he wants to learn to do:
I think we did TOO much yesterday. I was so tired at the end of the day there was NO blogging for me.
Yesterday's was Jessica's Sweet 16 Birthday Party. You can see all the pictures here. I have discovered that the older my kids get, the easier the parties get. At this point, all they need is a place and food and they do the rest. I got up yesterday morning, cleaned the kitchen, made the food for the party and re-cleaned the kitchen. When Marty got up, he wrote to his father, "She Got more done this morning than we did all week" I felt like it. I had gotten a lot done by 7:30.
I was to have gone to work yesterday morning. One Saturday a month we have a meeting from 7:30-9:30. Yesterday was that corporate meeting. However when Marty got up, it was obvious that he did not want me to leave him. I decided I have worked plenty of extra Saturdays and I would skip this one (Sorry Teddie and Diana).
Marty's mother asked Marty what he wanted for breakfast. He wrote, "Chicken Fried steak, eggs, Bisguts & Gravy Hash Brns." I told him it sounded like we needed to go out to breakfast. He shook his head no and just smiled. He loves to tease his mother. We will be sad to see them leave on Wednesday. It's been nice and a lot of fun having them here.
Marty's sense of humor really has stayed very strong. Even though he has his hard days, laughter helps to ease some of the tense moments. Yesterday was a day of one liners. Here are a few:
