"What is this?"

"Cantaloupe"

"I like cantaloupe"

Thank you Kristi Carpenter for bringing dinner last night, including a fruit tray with cantaloupe.  Another new experience.  Another thing Marty likes.

"What's that sound?"

"I don't hear anything" - we were standing on the back deck around sunset

"listen, you can hear it"

"oh, that's crickets"

Funny how when you are outside and expect to hear a sound, you can't hear it.  I really didn't hear the sound of the crickets as they are so common place.  I am grateful to experience the world all new again.

I love Sundays.  It is the one day that we don't try to cram so many things into.  It is a day of rest.  We leisurely get up and get ready for church.  We study, ponder, pray, reflect, worship.  We spend time together as a family.  We don't work, shop, run errands or run ragged.  We worship and rest.  LOVE it!

Today was the start of a "new" schedule for me at work.  I have talked to my bosses and I will be back to working half days at home.  This will allow me time in the office each day to meet with my team and suppliers but will also give me time at home to be a companion for Marty.  I was in the office this morning before 7 and home shortly after noon.  I didn't really do anything with Marty, but I suppose just knowing I am here gives him peace.  He was in a whole new demeanor today.

Saturday we bought him a collapsible club that fits in his pocket but can quickly be pulled out for self-defense.  He watched videos on how to use it.  He now feels that he has a way to defend himself if he were to need to.  With this new found self of confidence, Marty went on a walk today.  I was so happy to know that he felt that he could venture out and get a breath of fresh air along with a little exercise. 

Dinner tonight was brought in by my dear friend Hannah.  I feel like I've known Hannah forever, yet not.  I am so grateful for the many friends that we have that continually check in on us, ask us what they can do to help, pray for us and offer their support. 

This evening I was reading this amazingly inspiring article.

http://www.lds.org/church/news/finding-incredible-what-cancer%E2%80%94and-trials%E2%80%94can-teach-us?lang=eng

This story is a tear jerker, so be ready.  This was my favorite part.

He was reading from the New Testament:

“And there arose a great storm of wind, and the waves beat into the ship, so that it was now full.

“And [Christ] was in the hinder part of the ship, asleep on a pillow: and they awake him, and say unto him, Master, carest thou not that we perish?” (Mark 4:37–38).

“I thought to myself, ‘That is exactly the way I feel right now,’” Daniel said. “’Master, carest thou not that I perish? Carest thou not, Heavenly Father, that I have cancer? Carest thou not that my wife and I want to start a family? Carest thou not that I’m tired of doing this? Carest thou not that we want to continue our lives?’”
When Daniel continued reading, he said, he found the answer to all of his questions.

“The Savior’s response to His disciples was, ‘O ye of little faith,’ and He stretched forth His hand and He calmed the tempest,” Daniel said, quoting Matthew 8:26. “I had to ask myself in that moment, ‘Do I believe that this actually happened? Do I believe that Christ calmed the waters that day?’ And I do. And because I believe that, I know that He can calm the tempest going on inside my body. . . . And it’s not my job to ask why or to wonder why this is happening to me again. My job is just to have the faith that Heavenly Father is in charge and that He knows what’s best for me.”

I wish I could tell you how many times I have felt this way.  However, about as quickly as I feel as though I have been abandoned, the peace of the Savior overwhelms me.  I am so grateful for my knowledge of the plan of salvation.  I am grateful for my knowledge of the atonement.  I am grateful for my eternal companion and the sealing power of the temple that binds our family together.  This perspective is what gives me the motivation to continue.  Today was a brighter day and tomorrow, the rainbow will come.

Reality hit hard this weekend.

Addyson had woke up Friday morning complaining that her back hurt.  That was really her only symptom that she complained about.  At 1:00 I got a call from the school, she was had a 101 fever, plus sore throat, cough and back ache.  I immediately left work, called the doctor on the way to the school and got her.  The doctor was able to see her at 2:30.  He thought she had pneumonia and strep.  Strep culture came back negative.  X-rays showed bronchitis, not pneumonia.  Phew, not the world's worst mom. . . yet.  Heavy antibiotics and she should be back to normal in no time.

When I got home from the doctor, I had about 15 minutes before I needed to leave again to take Marty to speech therapy.  Marty was visibly upset.  He was upset about a lot of things.  He wanted to know why I could leave work to take care of Addyson, but couldn't leave work to take care of him.  I told him I've left work a lot to take care of him.  Whenever he has needed me, I've come.  Apparently, that hasn't quite been right. 

All week this week he has needed me every day and I have been at work.  I didn't know he needed me, but he did.  He did not want to tell me he needed me because he thought that work needed me more than he needed me.

Marty hadn't seen his speech therapist in about 10 days due to vacation and snow day.  She commented that his speech has digressed.  She linked anxiety to his ability to get the words out.  She asked him about his week.  He talked about having multiple near death experiences.  During his stroke, he thought he was going to die.  He was super scared.  Over and over again this past week when he has gotten super scared, he thought he was going to die. 

• riding in the car through Kansas City rush hour traffic
• Jessica starting the car with the garage door closed (it was closed for less than 30 seconds, really probably only about 10 before the door was opened)
• someone repeatedly knocking on the door while Marty was down stairs
• large neighbor dogs coming into our yard
• the girls coming home early from school and Marty thought that someone had broken into the house

Marty has not yet learned how to cope with fears nor does he have an understanding of what is really a danger and what isn't.  Without someone by his side to assure him that the threat he perceives is not really a threat, he relives it over and over and over again throughout the day and week until he is nearly paralyzed.  As soon as someone gets home, his fears dissipate and he is able to relax some.  When he is full of anxiety he can barely speak a word.

Through the week I have noticed he has not been right.  I have noted it on the blog many times, but until Friday night, I didn't understand what was wrong.  I probably still don't understand the full ramification.  What I do know is that his speech therapist has told us we must remove the anxiety from Marty's life or he will not be able to continue making good progress.  She was not pleased with the digression he made over the last two weeks.

I have mentioned this scripture many, many times.

Mosiah 4:27

27 And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order.

I have not fully taken this scripture to heart.  I am trying so hard to make life as normal as possible for everyone.  Life is not normal.  We are pushing Marty to run faster than he has strength.  As a family we are doing too much and asking too much of Marty.  We are not doing things with order.

Yesterday I only had 2 things that I felt HAD to be done.  I told Marty we would do everything at his pace and only what he wanted to do.  He had a good day.  He rarely was more than about 2 feet from me.  We were able to run some errands, bought him some new clothes, walked through a flea market, went out to lunch, snuggled on the couch.  Everything was at his pace.  I did sneak away to see Hairspray with Rylee last night, but other than that, yesterday was entirely about Marty.  We did nothing that he didn't want to do.  There was no anxiety.  By the end of the day, speech was flowing more fluidly.

I have come to realize that speech is an outward manifestation of what Marty's body is doing on the inside.  I can't see that he doesn't remember to eat or take medication.  I can't see that he has lost his ability to taste.  I can't see that he can't get his right hand to do the things he wants it to do.  I can't see that he can't remember basic day to day activities.  I can't readily know how frustrating it must be to want to do more than you are physically capable of doing.  I now am well aware to pay attention to Marty's speech.  When he really stutters and can't complete sentences, that is merely the outward manifestation of something else going on.

This family will continue to adapt and change as time rolls.  I know now that there are changes we must make immediately.  I am not sure what they all look like yet, but I know that Marty's recovery has got to be our #1 goal.  It has to be.  The longer we lose focus on that, the longer it will take to recover.  Marty can't be left alone for long periods of time.  He has got to have someone with him to teach him how to handle every situation that comes along.  We can't have days full of activities.  Down time is good.  We can't be tripping around every weekend.  We have got to spend time talking to Marty and reassuring him that he is our #1 priority.  It isn't work, primary, choir, parties, shopping, dates, movies, etc.  All of these things are important, and they will still continue, after Marty's needs are taken care of first.

I am reminded of this talk by Elder Oaks about choosing the good, better and best choices in life.

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/10/good-better-best?lang=eng&query=good+better+best

"We have to forego some good things in order to choose others that are better or best because they develop faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and strengthen our families."

I will keep a lot of good and better things in my life, but I will choose best first.