I think I see a pattern forming.  At night, I am just entirely too tired to blog.  I can see morning posts recapping the previous day to become the norm (as if it hasn't already).

Yesterday Marty woke up just utterly exhausted.  He has entirely quit sleeping.  I think I need to talk to his doctor about this.  I am highly concerned that all the medication he takes for sleep is not working.  He got up, asked if we had plans.  When I told him Roberta was coming, he asked me to call her.  He was just too tired for visitors.  He took my blanket and went downstairs to the dark, cool family room and took a nap.  He slept most of the morning away.

When he got up, I asked him if he was hungry.  He said he was.  I started to make him lunch, but he motioned he wanted to leave for lunch.  I told him we could go grab a quick bite to eat, but I needed to get back to work.  He wanted to know if we had time to go to Sam's.  He actually said, "Sam's".  Yahoo, new words!  Since I needed a few things from Sam's anyway, I agreed.  On the way there, I asked him what he wanted.  "hot dog" Yahoo, another new word.  When we got to Sam's, I asked if he needed me to order for him.  He insisted he could do it.  So, I headed off to pick up the few things I needed while he ate.  I'm not exactly sure how that conversation went with the cashier.  I do know he can say hot dog. 

Marty is gaining confidence to order things if it's a word he can say.  He is starting to figure out money.  The value of money is something I don't think he'll get for a while. Right now everything is expensive to  him, unless it's under $1.  If it's under $1 he wants to buy a lot of them, even if it's not really a great price.  Kind of funny the threshold his brain has.

For dinner last night we had a couple of small casseroles that friends had brought over.  Neither was large enough for the entire family, but together they were perfect.  We also had a Caesar salad and garlic bread to go with it.  Preparation for dinner consisted of heating the oven, putting the casseroles and garlic bread in the oven, opening the bag of salad and adding the dressing and croutons.  Before Marty even got to the salad preparation, he looked stressed.  I asked if he was okay.  He started pulling at his hair.  Even the thought of fixing dinner and these few steps are just too much.  Baby steps.  We will get this chef off and cooking eventually.

After dinner, Marty was able to facetime through the IPAD with his brother Jon.  It's the first time that they have talked.  I have known that Jon was super worried about Marty.  I was good for both of them to see and talk to each other.  It's just like old times with those two.  They really are good friends.  Marty's sense of humor is right there.  Jon said he didn't like the way the camera made him look fat.  Marty said, "not IPAD".  They exchanged a few more jabs before getting off.  I am thankful for technology that makes family so close.  Thousands of miles close almost instantly.

By the time Marty got off the computer, he was ready for bed.  Early to rise means early to bed.  I decided to take the opportunity to go to book group last night, even though I hadn't read the book.  The book they were discussing is "Last Lecture" by Randy Pausch.  I didn't realize it until it was too late, but it is a book based off a lecture given at Carnegie Mellon University.  The lecture is just over an hour long.  I started the lecture 30 minutes prior to book group.  I was intrigued.  I will eventually finish watching the lecture and reading the book. 



I love his analogy of a brick wall.  Brick walls are there to prove how badly we want something.  We hit brick walls all the time in our lives.  The question is, what do we do about that wall.  Do we retreat?  Do we find a way to go around it, over it, through it?  How we handle brick walls shows a lot about our character. 

It was a nice break to sit with friends and discuss life philosophies.  I was out entirely too late.  I realized after leaving there that I needed to put gas in the van before Addyson took it to seminary this morning.  I also needed to stop at the bank.  This didn't put me home until almost 11:30.  Since I was up with the girls early, I am now a we bit sleeping.  I can sense a 44 oz diet Cherry Pepsi in my near future.  These days I feel I'm awake on caffeine alone.  Perhaps a caffeine IV drip for Marty is in order as well.

Today we are headed with Addyson to Missouri State University in Springfield.  I'm excited for a little bit of a break.  Hoping for a little relaxation along the way.  I made sure we stayed in a place with a pool and a hot tub.  I even splurged and got a room with a hot tub in it.  I picture many hours spent pool side or in the hot tub this weekend. 

Yesterday was a super busy day for us.  I knew that Marty had a few appointments so I got up early to start work earlier than normal.  I am trying so hard to keep up with all my work demands through this.  Sometimes that means early morning and late nights. 

Marty had occupational therapy during lunch time yesterday.  The last time he went they gave him some strengthening exercises for both his hands and his shoulders.  His right side was only about 10-25% of his left side in strength.  However, his left side was considered to be super strong.  Yesterday when they re-tested him, his right was  80-90% of his left side.  His left side had gotten even stronger.  This put his right side within the normal range.  Even though they are sure his right side used to be the stronger side, they have released him from therapy because he is back to "normal" strength.  They have given him some exercises to do to continue to improve on his strength on his own.

As we were leaving the therapist, Marty made a muscle with his right arm and then pointed to his head with a puzzling look on his face.  He pointed to his arm and said "strong".  He pointed to his head and said "no".  He has recognized that his body is getting stronger, but he views his mind as weak.  I can see his mind getting stronger every day.  He doesn't see it, or it isn't happening as quickly as he would like. 

While we were at therapy, I got a text from Rylee saying she was sick and needed to be picked up.  I let her know I'd be there as soon as therapy was over.  We drove straight there and I picked her up.  I asked her what was wrong.  She said her stomach hurt really bad.  It started to hurt at the beginning of PE.  She asked the coach if she could go to the nurses office and he told her no.  He then made her run laps.  As a mama, that makes me just a wee bit mad.  She texted me on her way to her next class.  Shortly after we got home she threw up everything she had eaten for the day.  She was hungry, but her tummy was unsettled.  She tried a plain bagel.  No go.  She tried rice and that stayed down.  By dinner time she was feeling much better and actually ate tacos with us.  This morning she feels great.  I think she may have gotten a little food poisoning from some too old leftovers she ate Tuesday night.  I'm grateful that she isn't really sick.

Later yesterday afternoon Marty had a followup MRI.  He has literally lost sleep over this test.  I have never had an MRI so I can't empathize with him.  He gets very claustrophobic.  He also said the machine is very loud.  I know they gave him earplugs, but he was just a wreck.  It was a lot quicker than I was expecting it to be.  We were only there an hour yesterday.  I had planned on 2 or so.  How thankful I am for speedy appointments!

By the time we got home, we were both spent.  Therapy, puking child, MRI . . . oh my!  I too had not slept well the night before.  I had fallen asleep on the couch watching Hulu with the girls.  I didn't wake up until 4:30.  You don't get the best sleep on the couch and it's not the most comfortable for sure.  I had aches, pains and overall drowsiness.  To top it off, we were out of diet Pepsi.  I had thought I had more in the garage, but what it really was was cherry limeade, not cherry Pepsi.  Not sure how I confused those two.  Lesson learned, need to add Diet Cherry Pepsi to the year supply of food storage :)

I have been feeling a little weak in both body and mind lately. I decided to take some sleep medicine to ensure I get a good night sleep.  I don't take sleep aids often.  My body is not tolerant to them and they make me drowsy for a good 12 hours after taking them.  I went ahead and took them with dinner so that I would be nice and tired for bed, but the drowsiness would wear off for before I needed to be functioning for today.  Right after I took it, I realized that I had agreed to have the Relief Society presidency come visit me last night.  On top of a busy day, I was drowsy from meds.  They must have thought I was out of my mind :)

I know I say this almost every day, but I really am grateful for the loving support we are receiving.  I know that people want to help more than we are allowing them to help.  I just don't know what more we need.  The presidency asked me to come up with a list of things that people can do to help.  I just don't know what that would be at this time.  I will keep thinking.  I feel that others are listening to the Lord and following His promptings.  Our needs are being met and our family is being blessed.  I pray that as others are following the promptings of the spirit that they too are being blessed.

Not much to report on from yesterday.  Marty's anger and frustration has subsided.  It has turned into motivation.  He wants desperately to be able to talk.

Tuesday night, Marty didn't sleep well. He napped yesterday morning to help get caught up from his sleepless night. I later asked him why he didn't sleep. He shrugged his shoulders. I asked if he was still mad about something. He shook has hand as though to say "kind of, but not really" I asked what he was thinking about. I said, "MRI". I asked if he was worried about his MRI.  He said, "NO GO". I told him he had to go. The doctor really wants to get a better look at his brain for two reasons. 1. figure out what happened to aid in recovery. 2. figure out what happened to prevent in the future. Marty is NOT happy about it. I felt a little like negotiating with a 5 year old. It would be easy to just say, okay, no MRI. However you know that you need to do the test.

While I was working yesterday, I heard Marty listen to many, many renditions of "More Than Words" by Extreme.  If you don't know that song, here you go.



I finally asked Marty why he was listening to that song so many time.  He said, "know words".  He remembered a song that he knows the words to.  He didn't sing it, or say a single word from it.  However he remembered his speech therapist telling him to find the songs that he knows and sing them.  Should be interesting to see what the shower will bring today :)

I continue to be amazed at the outpouring of love our family is receiving.  Yesterday morning Katie Gulbransen dropped off these darling little gift boxes.  One for each member of the family.  Inside each one were treats, inspirational sayings and her favorite scriptures.  So thoughtful.  The girls were thrilled when they got home from school.

Yesterday was an all around busy day.  I knew we were going to have a super busy afternoon, so I insisted Marty rest all morning.  It's a good thing he did.

On the way to the Neurologist (about 45 minutes from our home) I could tell that Marty was still in a funk. He had is IPAD to speak for him.  He said he was "fine".  I said I could sense he wasn't fine.  He said he was still mad but trying not to be mad.  I told him I was sorry he was mad.  I wanted to help him to not be mad.  He said he was more confused than mad, but mad was how he was showing his confusion.  I asked what he was confused about.  He said that people he doesn't know bring him food, treats, gifts, clean our house, and come to visit.  However his own wife and children weren't doing anything to help.  I apologized that he felt that way.  I told him that the girls and I are trying our hardest to help him in every way that we know how to help him. I apologized that his needs weren't being met.  I told him I wished I was a mind reader so I could stop doing the things that he didn't need me to do and start doing the things he did need me to do.  At that point his whole demeanor changed.  It was as though he understood.  He was frustrated that I didn't automatically know everything he needs.  I suppose patience with each other is another great life lesson we are re-learning.

His neurologist is highly concerned.  Marty is young and relatively healthy.  He can't find a cause for what happened.  A stroke is caused by a blood clot or a broken vein.  They can't find either.  There is damage, but no apparent cause.  He didn't have a fall, or injury of any kind.  He wants to do another MRI tomorrow.  The place they are sending us to tomorrow has better equipment and can see things that the first scan may have missed.  He is pleased with how quickly the connections in  his brain are reforming and again gave us a high probability of full recovery.

Marty also had speech therapy yesterday.  When his speech therapist asked Marty how his weekend was, he said "mad".  I just about laughed.  She asked why he was mad.  He motioned that he forgets to eat and can't talk.  She said she wished she could forget to eat and that she will teach him to talk.  She started with giving Marty categories and asking him to name three things in that category.  Holidays:  Easter, Thanksgiving Halloween.  Streets near home:  Euston, Dartmore, Spanker  States on the east coast:  Georgia, fl. . fl.  . fl. . Maine, New York.  ( I guess Florida was too hard to say)  She then said she wanted to work on sequences that should be easy to remember.  Days of the week, counting to 10, months of year.  It is very hard for Marty to initiate his speech.  Once he gets started, he can do pretty good, but starting the word, or series of words is very difficult.  She plays a metronome while Marty speaks to help him with rhythm.  Marty concentrates so hard.  His eyes are usually shut and he is straining to think, remember, and say.  Knowing we are only 25 days post stroke, his progress is remarkable.  At the end of the session she asked if he was okay.  He said, "tired . . . good tired"  I'm thankful he can recognize that learning is tiring, but it's a good tiring.  I asked Ann if there were things that we can do at home to assist with his speech.  I told her I had threatened to throw away his notebook.  She laughed.  She said to not use the notebook as a crutch.  She told Marty he should try to say at least one word that he would normally write down every time he feels like he needs to write something.  She also asked him to repeat the days of the week, months of the year and to start singing.  She asked if there are songs that he knows every word to.  He should listen to those songs on the radio or in the shower and start to try to sing them at the top of his lungs.  When we got out to the car I told Marty that the only song that I knew he knew all the words to was "I like big butts" (it's really called baby got back).  He looked puzzled.  I told him we'd look it up when we got home.

Just to make matters worse, we went to Sam's after his therapy.  We really needed milk and just a few other things.  I had decided I wanted to fill a basket with easy snacks for Marty so when he gets hungry, he has easily accessible items to choose from.  I know this isn't the most healthy way to go, but we tried to choose healthier processed foods.

Today was a tiring day, but a good day.  Perhaps tomorrow I won't be too tired to write it all down.  But for today, I will just say it was a good tired.  Those were Marty's departing words to his speech therapist today what she asked if he was ok.  "Tired. . . . good tired" 

I received a phone call tonight from my Father-In-Law recommending I read this article:

Waiting Upon the Lord

As soon as he mentioned it, I told him it's one of our favorites.  He almost apologized for saying anything.  I'm so glad he called.  I took time to re-read this article for the thousandth time and got something new from it tonight.  I love how that works. 

It has been an extremely emotional day for me.  I think I've cried more buckets today than in the last month.  It started with the realization that I needed to ask for help.  See previous post here. To me that was a sign of weakness.  Admitting I can't do it all is a hard thing.  I have always been able to do it all.  I was then bombarded by loving comments of support at church.  My poor bishop got an emotional download when he asked me how the girls and I are doing.

Marty's plan today was to go to church.  We had plans for me to go to church with Jessica in time for choir practice and Addyson to bring her dad just as church started.  When Addyson came, she said dad refused to come to church.  He just said he was too tired.  I instantly became concerned because 30 minutes prior he was planning on coming.  Why the sudden change?

I became so concerned that I left church early and came home.  When I got home, Marty wasn't home.  I got panicked.  I figured he had probably gone on a walk, but I wanted to confirm.  I hopped in the car and headed down the road.  Sure enough there he was.  He wouldn't get in the car with me, he wanted to walk home, so I came home. 

Upon walking into the kitchen, I saw these signs all over the place.  They were even in the garage.

1. Marty only had to spend 2 days in the hospital
2. There was no need for extensive inpatient rehab
3. He has full use of his legs
4. He has no difficulty breathing
5. He has no difficulty swallowing
6. He has no visual impairments
7. He has full use of his left hand
8. He has full use of his right hand and strength is returning daily
9. He has the ability to write
10. He has a usable vocabulary of about 30 words
11. He has the desire to continue to learn
12. His memory is returning every day
13. Our ward family has been incredibly supportive
14. Our friends have been incredibly supportive
15. Our family has been more than incredibly supporting
16. Work has been super flexible
17. Technology has allowed Marty to speak, learn to read, & keep me connected with work.
18. Addyson, Jessica & Rylee have been super patient and have coped better than I would have every imagined
19. The Lord loves me and he loves Marty
20. I have learned I can do hard things.

In an effort to keep life as normal as possible for our children, every planned event we had prior to the stroke, we are making every effort to continue with.  This means we have some very busy weekends planned.  This weekend was no exception.

Rylee tried out for all region band in December.  She was the only junior high trumpet player to make it from Bentonville.  There were over 150 7-9th grade trumpeters across the region to try out.  24 made it.  She was 6th chair in the concert band.  We are so proud of Rylee.  She has worked so hard to perfect her playing abilities.  Well, yesterday was the concert in Mountain Home, a little over 3 hour car ride.

I wasn't sure if Marty was going to make it or not.  I wasn't sure how I would tell Rylee we weren't coming.  This week had been so hard.  Marty was exhausted.  He needed his rest.  However, when he got up, he was ready to go.  The ride to Mountain Home is very windy through the Ozarks.  Marty knew there was no way I was going to be able to read what he would write on his notepad.  He was concerned that he would need to communicate and wouldn't be able to.  He wrote, "Is there some app we can put on here so I type and it talks"  With a little searching, I found Verbally.  It's a free app that does exactly that.