OK - so the post I made last night wasn't quite fair. If you missed it, you can read it here. I was tired, exhausted and didn't really want to get into all the gory details of yesterday. I wanted to capture all that had happened, but just couldn't relive it at that point. Marty wrote 12 pages yesterday. The day before none. Yesterday was his day of venting.
I got up this morning and typed out the blog on my private blog. After a good night's sleep, I have decided there are things I can share publicly that happened yesterday. Please don't judge him or our family by the things that he says. The emotions that are running through him right now are so different than what I am used to.
Marty is normally a very laid back, easy going, soft spoken man. He is full of love and service. The frustration he is feeling by not being able to do everything he is wanting is starting to come out. I believe this will be a great step in his recovery. He will dig in deep and find the motivation to keep carrying on.
Okay - now some excerpts from Marty's writings yesterday:
I DON'T CARE
Forget it I just need to rest
This is more work than I am able to do! (I told Marty I was here to help)
NO, NO, NO
I just need to Rest and I can't calm down
Put a smile on your face you will feel better! I just need to relax.
I'm not sad I am just tired. I did TO MUCH and now I am paying the price
I am trying to make everything as Normal as I can for you and the girls but it is not normal!
It's not OK! I want to be better!
I can't make my brain work today - All I want to do is scream bad words. I am not mad at you. I am just mad and I can't think right.
I don't like to think those words! And I don't want to say them! but every time I go to open my mouth I have to fight not to say them
It is not the type of person I want to Be!
I'm Sorry!!! I know this isn't easy on you either. I just feel so Lost and I don't understand why my brain won't work
I'm mad at ME!
Is there really nothing I can do but fight
I will fight later, for now I will Rest :)
I don't even think I know what some of the words I want to say mean
It's my fight. It's not fair to make someone else fight it. It sucks. But it's my fight :)
Everything is new
Somethings about Money I don't understand. 897 is a lot for icecream but I don't know if it is a lot for an IPAD
I just need a recovery day
If your idea of rest and recovery is 3 hours in a small building with 500 other people you are crazy (I asked Marty if Sunday would be a good recovery day - I had meant him staying home from church)
I can rest when I'm dead
My brain is tired but my legs just keep moving and I can't relax. is there something I can take to help me
Its like I have energy even though I am tired and I need to sleep
***Marty has created a list of things he wants to do.***
Each item is ranked on a scale from 1-10.
1- I'm fine after doing it
5 - I'm pretty tired after doing it
8 - I need a nap after doing it
10 - I'm done - I can't do anything else
Some of these things he hasn't even done yet, but just the thought of doing them is the number he has listed
Talk 8
Read 8
Run 10
Eat 6-8
Drink 1 (just to clarify after Wednesday's post, this is water, he didn't used to remember to drink water but now it's easy)
Cook 5-8
Shop 5-8
Go out 4-8
Clean 4-8
Laundry 4-6
Shower 6
shave 6
get dressed 4
get strong (unrated)
watch move with De Anne (unrated)
go on walk with De Anne (unrated)
make lunch for girls 5
drive 10 (he hasn't driven yet)
pay bills 10 (hasn't paid bills)
understand money 10
air hockey 5-8
pool 5-8
darts 4-6
IPAD games 4-8
OK - to sum it up, yesterday was a day of anger and frustration. The first 3/4 of the day was just full of Marty being mad. He was mad at the world. He was mad at everything. He was mad at everyone. By the afternoon I was able to get him to calm down and we actually had a nice dinner out which is when we discussed his list of things he wants to do. We will continue to take things one day at a time.
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