I feel like we are dating and getting to know each other all over again. He doesn't remember me at all. He doesn't remember the things that I like to do. He doesn't remember the hot buttons that I have. He doesn't remember how things used to be.
Marty has changed so much, that I don't know him either. The things he used to enjoy, he no longer does. The things that brought him enjoyment before don't now. Sometimes it's in the little things, sometimes it's in the big things. Every Father's Day and birthday for as long as I can remember, Marty has requested breakfast for dinner. He no longer likes breakfast foods. When we would go out to dinner, he would order a baked potato and I would order a sweet potato. He no longer likes baked potatoes, but loves sweet potatoes. Marty would spend hours running and reading. Neither are enjoyable activities any longer.
We find ourselves in a lot of misunderstood situations. We are navigating new territory. I think he wants one thing, he wants another. He is trying to do something nice for me and it's just not my thing. Over and over again we are confusing each other. I suppose if I could remember back to what it was like to be a newlywed; it is a lot the same. We are trying to figure out how two different people can live, laugh and love in the same environment.
I am filled with a lot of emotions all the time. Marty is convinced I am angry. Anger is not one of the emotions I have felt. Confused, scared, tired, overwhelmed would be better descriptions. All emotions in me are exhibited with tears. I cry when I'm happy, sad, scared, tired, you name it. I must be a terrible person to read emotionally, since my reaction is the same regardless.
When I opened my computer this morning, there was an article from President Uchtdorf given at the women's broadcast last fall. I'm not sure who was reading it, but I'm grateful they were reading it and left it open for me to read as well. This talk struck me so much that I bought a small statue and posted a picture in my kitchen to remind me to forget not.
- Forget not to be patient with yourself
- Forget not the difference between a good sacrifice and a foolish sacrifice
- Forget not to be happy now.
- Forget not the "why" of the gospel.
- Forget not the Lord loves you.
- Forget not to be patient with Marty and myself.
- Forget not the difference between a good sacrifice and a foolish sacrifice. Make wise choices and make the most of my time with him.
- Forget not to be happy now. Celebrate every win. Enjoy the fresh perspective in life.
- Forget not the "why" of the gospel and the importance of eternal marriage.
- Forget not the Lord loves Marty, me and our girls.
1 comments:
It's at times like this that the perfect dream would be to be allowed to return home to Heavenly Father for a moment in time that we could be cradled in His arms, listen to His words and learn all the answers that we so desperately desire to understand. Those perfect dreams never materialize and yet we know through the spirit that He IS with us, that He IS very aware of every detail of our lives and He IS actively involved in meeting our needs through the spirit, through other people and through His miracles. It IS a miracle that Marty is alive. It IS a miracle that Marty has the faith required to speak, to gradually remember, and to endure. Marty is blessed to have you in his life as you patiently serve and wait upon the Lord. I'm not sure I can think of anything harder than you are going through and I am so very impressed your ability to endure well and keep the faith. You are an amazing woman DeAnne. It's little wonder why Marty loves you so very much.
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