Oh the ebs and flows of life!

Yesterday started off as a pretty great day.  Marty got up, was feeling pretty good.  Went for a walk to the end of the street and back.  He only took one nap in the morning.  He was feeling strong and was in pretty great spirits.

 
At one point, Marty brought me his notebook.  He had written, "I think Addyson needs a blessing before she goes to sing on Saturday!  I watched a talk that said it does not matter what is said in the blessing, but that you have faith to ask for a blessing and faith that the Lord will help you.  The words can help, but it is not the important part!  Do you think she would like me to try?  Or should we ask someone else?  I believe the Lord will help me, but I want to do what is right for Addyson.  What do you think?"  With tears in my eyes, I told him Addyson would love for him to give her a blessing.  Simple words of love and support from her Heavenly Father through her father would be a great comfort going into MSU auditions.

 
In the afternoon he had a followup appointment with his neurologist.  Its a 45 minute drive from our home.  I asked Marty if he wanted to practice talking on the trip.  He did.  We turned on the metronome and I started listing categories and asked him to give me 4 things in that category.  For nearly 40 minutes, Marty was able to do this.  Some categories were easier than others.  I only stumped him with one, "books".  We have hundreds of books in our home and he couldn't think of one.  The one that I laughed the hardest at was Languages.  "teenager".  I do suppose teenagers have their own languages.

 
When we met with Dr Moon, he said he didn't know if he had good news or bad news.  That's not a good thing to hear from the doctor.  Dr Moon had ordered a more thorough MRI because the one in the hospital didn't show any cause for the symptoms Marty was having.  The second MRI also didn't show a cause.  So the good news, no stroke.  The bad news, we have no idea what is causing all of Marty's symptoms.  Memory loss, right side weakness, inability to speak.  Though the symptoms are getting better, they are still obviously there.  It could be psychological, chemical, hormonal, who knows.  What we do know is his brain isn't working right but it wasn't a stroke.

 
I think I would have felt better if it were a stroke.  Now I just have mystery symptoms that I'm dealing with.  The treatment is the same.  However, anyone that knows me well knows I'm a root cause girl.  I want to know what causes everything, and put a plan in place to fix it and prevent it.  I feel like we should be on an episode of mystery diagnosis.  Marty has an appointment with another doctor this afternoon to further probe the situation.  I just pray for more answers and not more questions.

 
On the way home, Marty got very angry.  He completely quit talking and started writing.  Over and over again I would say it's not his fault and this is the way life happens.

  •  Are you telling me that as bad as a __________  __________ this is I am choosing to live this way? 
  • Why would I DO THAT!!
  •  NO! NO! NO! NO! 
  • There is No way that my brain would choose this!  No Way! 
  • It does not work that way.  You can not turn on or off your brain. 
  • I am not mad at you, I just don't understand.  and the more I think about it the more I don't understand and the more my head hurts.  What I do know is that I love you very much and give so much to me that I am sure you want what is best for me.  So I will Do whatever you want me to do.  You Da Boss :)
  •  I would like VERY badly to be MAD at someone!  Can you tell me who fault it is? 
  • Is it your fault?
  •  I don't want to hurt myself or you or really any body.  I just would like VERY badly to put a face on this so I can be mad at someone.  There has to be someone to blame.  Stuff like this just doesn't happen.
  •  Stuff just happens!  Is just a cop out answer.  Everything happens because of something that happened before.  Or because someone wanted it to happen.
  •  Not just for a reason but because of the fact that other people or things have a say in our lives. 
  • So if no one else has a say in it, it is my choice. 
  • I understand how I could get as big as that friend of mine.  When I'm stressed I like to eat.  When I'm mad, I like to eat.  When I'm tired, I like to eat.  When I'm confused, I like to eat. 
  • Why doesn't everyone just not stress, confuse, get me tired, or make me mad, and then I would be just normal :)
  •  Have you never wanted to beat the crap out of someone who beat the crap out of you?
  •  Than I must need something.  Because I don't want to hurt someone random person.  I want to beat the crap out of whom ever beat the crap out of me :)  Eye for an eye ya know.
  •  Did my mom drink when I was a baby? NO
  •  Did my dad beat me until I could not walk? NO
  •  Did I do a lot of drugs in high school? NO
  •  Did I fall out of the ugly tree and hit all the branches on the way down? NO
  •  
  •  Did I have a choice?  Did anyone ask me if I wanted a messed up brain? NO
  •  Was I built this way?
  •  So this is some kind of a cruel test?
  •  Are you enjoying this?
  •  Sorrow is loosing your $500 phone right after you buy it.  This is way past anything any person, wife, daughter, mom, dad, brother, sister, friend should have to go through.
  •  Either your ship is super tight like unto a dish or this has not been as bad on you as I thought.
  •  I really could care less about what I have been through.  I can take a great beat down to prove I will get back up.  But I can not take what it has done to you and the girls!  whatever I did to get this trial is my fault.  To bring you and the girls into it is cruel!
  •  I'm sorry I don't think I believe that.  I'm afraid my ship is sinking.
  •  I don't want to be held up.  I want to be out of the water!
You can imagine what these conversations were like.  I don't have any of the answers as to why this is happening.  There are a few things that I do know.  The Lord is not cruel.  This is not a cruel trial we are being placed in.  This isn't any one's fault, it's just part of life.  There must be opposition in all things.  Without sorrow we don't know joy.  I wish I knew the answers.  That would somehow be easier.  But for now, it is by faith that I take on each new task each new day.  From my studies yesterday, I will pattern my life after the brother of Jared.

Ether 6: 9-12

9 And they did sing praises unto the Lord; yea, the brother of Jared did sing praises unto the Lord, and he did thank and praise the Lord all the day long; and when the night came, they did not cease to praise the Lord.
10 And thus they were driven forth; and no monster of the sea could break them, neither whale that could mar them; and they did have light continually, whether it was above the water or under the water.
11 And thus they were driven forth, three hundred and forty and four days upon the water.
12 And they did land upon the shore of the promised land. And when they had set their feet upon the shores of the promised land they bowed themselves down upon the face of the land, and did humble themselves before the Lord, and did shed tears of joy before the Lord, because of the multitude of his tender mercies over them.

Posted at 2/02/2012 06:40:00 AM | |  

3 comments:

Christie and Dane said...

So frustrating, yet you are full of faith. I remember having similar thoughts when my brother broke his neck in a car accident. Why him? Why then? Had he done something wrong? That was years ago and he is fine now, but it was so hard to understand the trial at the time. There's always a silver lining somewhere. Love your family! God bless you guys!!

February 2, 2012 at 10:07 AM  
catania said...

I love the scripture you post. Not only did they praise God all day, but I love the concept "And thus they were driven forth" (in verse 10 and 11).

In verse 8 it is more specific about how they were driven forth, "And it came to pass that the wind did never cease to blow towards the promised land while they were upon the waters; and thus they were driven forth before the wind." (Ether 6:8)

The idea of the wind never blowing, the storms never letting up - sounds hard, until we realize that those very storms are pushing us closer to our promised land - our Heavenly Father.

Thanks for sharing your experiences and testimony.
-catania

February 2, 2012 at 2:06 PM  
Jean Fields said...

No words - only love. Fasting Sunday, praying daily, having faith your answers will come.

February 2, 2012 at 3:53 PM  

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