Today was my first full day at work after Marty's stroke.  I actually worked 10 hours today.  Holy moly!  Now I really feel disconnected with Marty's progress.  However it was nice to actually be in the office.  I was able to go to our fall walk through, meet with suppliers, see my director for the first time this year, and talk to co-workers.  I was able to meet a good friend for lunch too!  It was a nice distraction, thanks Patti! 

I am normally a perfectionist that gives 100% to everything that I do. I've told a few people this now, but I am struggling with not being able to give 100% to anything.  I feel like I'm constantly in a state of limbo, doing just enough to get through one day, anticipating the next day.  This is not usual for me.  I am a planner.  I always know what's going on.  I am a control freak and I can't figure out how to get everything into control.  I want to be available for work to do everything I am needed for there, every meeting, every class, every personal conversation, every phone call, everything!  I want to be home with Marty to help him learn new things, learn new words, reassure him when he gets frustrated, and just tell him it's not his fault when he wonders "why?".  I want to be available for my girls the way Marty used to be.  I want to be able to take them their lunch, homework, money, clothes, and any other thing they may have forgotten.  However, I have to pick and choose what I can and can't do.  Prioritizing every task.  Choosing, good, better & best.  Hard lessons to learn!

Marty and his parents ventured out to Walmart again today.  Poor things, they've been every day because I haven't menu planned and shopped for groceries yet.  We'll try that Saturday.  Anyway, when I asked Marty how Walmart was he wrote, "I am faster than mom - not as fast as Dad wants me to be"

Jessica tried to teach her dad to text message today so he'd have a way to communicate with me and the girls when we are away.  He just couldn't connect the letters to the numbers on his phone.  Jessica then recommended that he write down what he wanted to say first and then try to match the letters and numbers.  That actually worked!  Slow, but it worked.  They were able to exchange a dozen text messages back and forth.  This is one more step toward his recovery!  I am so excited for him to learn all the things that we take for granted.  I am also excited that my daughters are taking an active role in teaching their dad!  They really are amazing young women!

I asked Marty if he's been helping cook.  He wrote, "It is Good to have Mom Help me in the kitchen - She does not know any more than Me - We are learning together - It is the Hardest thing I do - It makes my head Hurt"  He then wrote, "Mom tells me I am a good cook - I don't know - so much to do at one time - I am better at Pool with Dad"

Marty is just tired all the time.  All this learning is hurting his brain.  He wrote, "Doing not bad - I can do ok - I am strong - Thinking & Doing together - not so good"  When he tries to read or learn too much in one day it gives him a headache.  I have got to be sure that I don't show my impatience to him as I don't want to add undue stress on him.  He pushes himself on his own.  I know that it must be frustrating to know what you want to say, but not be able to say it. 

I will close with a scripture from our reading this morning.  1 Nephi 18:16:

Nevertheless, I did look unto my God, and I did praise him all the day long; and I did not murmur against the Lord because of mine afflictions.