It has been an extremely emotional day for me. I think I've cried more buckets today than in the last month. It started with the realization that I needed to ask for help. See previous post here. To me that was a sign of weakness. Admitting I can't do it all is a hard thing. I have always been able to do it all. I was then bombarded by loving comments of support at church. My poor bishop got an emotional download when he asked me how the girls and I are doing.
Marty's plan today was to go to church. We had plans for me to go to church with Jessica in time for choir practice and Addyson to bring her dad just as church started. When Addyson came, she said dad refused to come to church. He just said he was too tired. I instantly became concerned because 30 minutes prior he was planning on coming. Why the sudden change?
I became so concerned that I left church early and came home. When I got home, Marty wasn't home. I got panicked. I figured he had probably gone on a walk, but I wanted to confirm. I hopped in the car and headed down the road. Sure enough there he was. He wouldn't get in the car with me, he wanted to walk home, so I came home.
Upon walking into the kitchen, I saw these signs all over the place. They were even in the garage.
When Marty got back from his walk, he was visibly upset. I asked what was wrong and he just motioned aside. I jumped on the computer to check my email. when I opened the computer there was a note that said, "Time spent on the computer 7 hours. Time it would have taken to make sure Marty eats 1 min" In fairness to me, I was only awake 5 hours prior to church and I offered Marty breakfast when I ate breakfast, but he wasn't hungry. I didn't eat lunch before church. However, it was VERY apparent he was mad. He wrote that he didn't go to church because he was sick from not eating. He wrote a series of notes letting me know exactly how he felt about the care he was receiving at home. At one point he even asked if there was a place we could send him that would take better care of him.
Again, tears. I was devastated. I feel like every action I do is to try to help Marty. However, it is very obvious that the actions that I am taking are not the actions that I need to be taking. Over a course of an hour we discussed all the things I have been doing and asked him what he needs done differently. He wrote, "You are the one that has a brain that works well. Why do I need to come up with the answers" At this point, I don't know what to do, but rely on the Lord.
I had thought that I was doing the right things, but I am not. I will continue to pray and put my trust in the Lord. He will guide us all on this journey. For now, I have added an alarm to Marty's IPAD that goes off every 2 hours from 7am-9pm asking him if he is hungry. That way if I don't remember to ask, at least a computer will. I have asked the girls to ask their dad if he needs something to eat every time they walk into the kitchen. I will look for quick easy snacks at the store so that he has some easy choices that don't require much effort. I think he must need to eat more than 3 meals, but he doesn't know either.
One of my favorite church hymns is Count Your Blessings.
When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will be singing as the days go by.
When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold.
Count your many blessings, money cannot buy
Your reward in heaven, nor your Lord on high.
So amid the conflict, whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey's end.
Count your blessings, name them one by one;
Count your blessings, see what God hath done;
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.So, I will now count my blessings directly related to Marty's stroke:
- Marty only had to spend 2 days in the hospital
- There was no need for extensive inpatient rehab
- He has full use of his legs
- He has no difficulty breathing
- He has no difficulty swallowing
- He has no visual impairments
- He has full use of his left hand
- He has full use of his right hand and strength is returning daily
- He has the ability to write
- He has a usable vocabulary of about 30 words
- He has the desire to continue to learn
- His memory is returning every day
- Our ward family has been incredibly supportive
- Our friends have been incredibly supportive
- Our family has been more than incredibly supporting
- Work has been super flexible
- Technology has allowed Marty to speak, learn to read, & keep me connected with work.
- Addyson, Jessica & Rylee have been super patient and have coped better than I would have every imagined
- The Lord loves me and he loves Marty
- I have learned I can do hard things.
Though today has been an emotional day, it's a day I am grateful for. It has made me realize that I must trust more in the Lord than ever before. When I stop and think about it, I truly can see his hand in all things.
4 comments:
You are doing your best. No one can expect you to do more than that. Marty is impatient. He can't help that right now. Don't let his impatience make you feel like you failed. If either one of you expects you to be perfect, then there will a lot of disappointment ahead. I truly believe that nobody could care more or try harder than you. You give your all every single day. Please remember two things. First, that you are a daughter of Heavenly Father with divine worth. Second, that what happened today is not your fault, just as Marty's condition is not your fault. Hope you can feel the power of prayers for you tonight. Hang in there.
I agree with the previous comment. You are doing your best and so is Marty. It is a very difficult situation that you are all making the best of. I am amazed by your strength and faith. "All these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." Doctrine and Covenants 122:7.
You are doing fantastic. You have coped better than I could even dream I would do. Know that "You Are Enough". You CAN do hard things and you ARE doing hard things!! The Lord is at your side and He will hold you up through the low times. Love you! P.S. Please tell the girls they were adorable in Primary today and they did a great job!
-Vickie
Marty is angry!He is angry with himself. He is angry with God. He is frustrated and for awhile there, he allowed himself to wallow in self-pity. He doesn't remember to eat, but he expects you should remember for him. His blood sugar drops, he gets more agitated and shaky and even more scared and frustrated. I think he should eat small meals 6 times a day rather than 3 large meals. That will help keep the blood sugar from dropping so drastically. He might forget to do that, and if he does, who is he going to blame? Somebody needs to take this responsibility! It's just the condition talking. And having been in a similar situation, that doesn't make it any easier to take or hurt any less. The alarm is a good idea as long as he remembers what it means. That's a matter of conditioning for him. Eventually, he will get it. Food is not important to him as far as KNOWING when he NEEDS it and it's only after he gets the shakes that he realizes something is wrong. I wasn't kidding when I told him I have had issues with this myself and I haven't had to go through what you have. I know what it is to 'take the blame.' I know how that hurts. Everyone will tell you..that's not Marty... not really. That doesn't change the fact that you have suffered a crisis yourself...an injury to your heart and soul and the very fiber of your being. You are doing so well. I have great admiration and love for you. I have been 'the caregiver.' I have all the respect in the world for those who put their lives on hold to care of others. God bless you, Child. God loves you. We love you. Marty loves you. YOU need some time OUT...away....and a good laugh or two. Do that for yourself...please. I'm here for you. Vent all you want and remember: 'when you're down and out; lift up your head and shout...I NEED ICE CREAM!' Roberta
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